Disclaimer: This was written a while back. But esawan was living up to its name. I cudn't load the page. So, today, finally, it's OK!
I think I need to find another outlet for creativity. Somewhere I am not judged for what I say, and for what I don't say. What I think, and for what I don't think. In a sense, I really appreciate Mrs. Doubtfire for being who she is. For although, I am pretty sure she doesn't agree with half of what I say and think and do, she is never judgemental about it. I don't know if she is talking about it to other people behind my back, but as far as I know, she hasn't.. much. And as far as I can remember, she would usually just tell me to my face is she thought I was being more ridiculous than ever. For that, I thank her.
But sometimes, you have people who are really not 'friendly' - for lack of a better word. They usually have their own opinions and would rather you concur with those opinions and somewhat abandon yours. I am not saying that the opinions are bad.. no. Some of them are rather good actually, but from their point of view, only their opinion counts and yours do not. You know what I mean? No? Well, that's your own opinion la kan? Hehehe..
Anyway, seperti biasa, aku mesti lose my train of thought bila menulis. Aku kadang2 ni heran la pulak kan? Kenapa aku sekarang tak de mood nak menulis. Have I lost the ability? Is this what they call writer's block? Do I not care anymore? I know that there are words in here (my brain) that still needs to come out. Maybe I just need another place where people are non-judgemental..
Dengar on the news pagi tadi that J.K. Rowling is accused again of plagiarism. Well, I do believe that maybe she ceduk some parts from here and there. After all, writing has been around for centuries, and tak mungkin ada satu cerita yang baru yang tak pernah diceritakan dahulu. Most stories have been told before in one form or the other.. And I guess you could say that 'imitation is the best form of flattery' but you could also say.. those who can't write, plagiarize. Or in my case, critique.
Happy weekend people. I am on leave the whole of next week, sebab nak habiskan cuti tahunan aku yang ada 9 lagi..
Nasib baik la aku ni jenis tak pakai banyak2 password. Kalau aku ni jenis satu akaun satu password.. memang mampus aku tak ingat dah nak masuk eSawan dan eLawan ni cam ner. So, since aku pengamal Banyak Akaun, Satu Password maka aku masih dapat meneruskan lagi nyawa blog aku ni.
Aku memang dah lama tak memblog. Bukan tak de idea. Ada.. tapi bila nak menulis rasa cam 'ehhhh, bukan ada orang nak baca pun'. Dah la ada orang komplen, blog aku ni asyik komplen je. Komplen sal laki. Komplen sal kerja. Komplen sal anak. Komplen sal gomen. Komplen sal orang giler meroyan kat kedai makan yang aku slalu pergi tu. Yang ini wajar la aku komplen.. korang leh imagine tak, ada sorang mamat ni. Bawak motor. Datang makan kat kedai tu. Kedai tu nak kata besar tak besar, kecik tak kecik. Tapi tahap restoran la kan? So, dia orang sebab nak bagi ramai orang dapat makan, dia orang atur Meja - 4 orang duduk tu panjang2. Meaning.. sebaris je dia atur. Jadik meja panjang la. Tapi meja dia memang meja standard yang 4 orang boleh duduk. So, anyway, ini mamat.. kalau datang makan kat kedai tu memang orang lain tak bleh duduk la.. Dia akan duduk kat one of the tables. Air minuman dia kat meja sebelah. Dan helmet dia kat meja lagi sebelah.. Diagram cam kat bawah ni lah..
So, korang imagine je lah. Mana orang lain nak duduk?
Ikut ati aku.. aku sepak je kaki dia. Tapi since laki aku yang sampai dulu, dia mintak baik2 la suruh orang tu tepikan Topi Keledar dia..
Dan langsung tak berkaitan dengan rungutan diatas.. aku tengah nak start mengemas rumah ni. Owhh.. ini bukan kemas ala2 ngade2. Kita orang kena pindah rumah by end of March. Tuan punya rumah nak jual rumah tu. Actually, kita orang dah dapat hint2 dah hari tu and tengah berdebat sesama sendiri, nak bagi notis ke tidak ke. Tengok2 tak sempat aku bagi notis kat dia, dia call and bagi dua bulan notis kat kita orang. So, that kita orang punya deposit tu dia tak pulang kan lah. Tapi, we don't need to pay him 2 months rent. I have another RM500 for electricity deposit.. So, maybe itu aku suruh laki aku je la yang mintak.
So, sekarang, tengah sebuk mencari rumah. Dilema sepanjang zaman aku pulak;
Nak pindah dekat area2 tu jugak atau pindah jauh sikit
Nak pindah bagi aku n laki aku senang pergi kerja, atau nak pindah bagi anak2 aku tak payah pindah sekolah
Nak pindah rumah tanah, atau nak pindah apartment
Rasanya, seperti biasa, aku dan suami ku akan mengalah dan tidak menyusahkan anak2 untuk berpindah dari sekolah mereka. So, sekarang ni, tengah carik2 rumah la kat USJ tu.. Any one has any ideas?
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Tadi aku dapat email ni dari member. Ingat nak post kat FB tapi nanti karang ada lah pulak yang mengata. So, aku post kat sini.. You can take it anyway you want.. but I think I'll take it as a slap at all the mermaids wanna-be out there..
Pada yang kerja in KL.. happy 3-day weekend. Pada yang duduk kat area Gombak/Batu Caves.. korang dah beli provision untuk 3 hari tak? Karang jam kat area rumah korang jangan mengaruk dah lah..
Recently, in a large city in France, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"
A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.
To Whom It May Concern,
Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia , the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia . Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.
Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have s3x?
Just look at them ... where is IT? Therefore, they don't have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me: I want to be a whale.
P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends.
With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, When I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, ¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨
Aku baru perasan, entry2 aku subject dia sumer ada tanda tanya. Aku ni tengah kompius kot. Sebab tu sumer ada question mark kat ujung tu.
Anyway, makcik malas nak citer kias2.. just nak bagi tau yang aku rasa boss aku memang dah tak waras... Citernya cam ni (point form je lah eh?):
Rabu ada meeting department, dia suh aku wat proposal 2 page. Dia cakap dengan tukang amik minit, jangan minitkan yang aku buat, tapi minitkan nama dia. Dia kata due Selasa depan
Semalam aku dapat forwarded email dari dia. Email tu was actually from him to the CEO kata proposal tu will be sent to the CEO tomorrow (yakni hari ini bersamaan hari Jumaat), dan dia cuma fwd aje kat aku. Nasib baik aku dah almost siap, tinggal touch-up aje
Aku antar kat dia smalam jugak dan aku note yang dia kata hari Selasa depan
Pagi tadi dia balas balik, dia kata dia tak ingat pun dia cakap Selasa. Dia cuma ingat yang dia kata hari ni
Then kejap lepas tu aku dapat minit of meeting dari dia, yang dah diPDF kan. Aku nak make sure aku tengok kat action item aku tu, guess what? Dia dah tukar jadik AKU punya action item and due date nya hari ni... huhuhu..
Rumusan aku.. dia baru sedar yang dia janji kat CEO yang dia nak antar hari ni, so, dia ubah itu minit of meeting and pdf kan menatang tu.. so that tak boleh ubah lagi.
Yer, mungkin aku bertanggapan buruk terhadap boss aku.. tapi aku tak heran dia wat cam tu.
Member2 aku sumer marah kenapa aku baik sangat terhadap boss aku. Aku malas la nak cakap ngan dia orang yang aku ni bukan dari golongan yang berada sangat. Yang boleh survive ni pun sebab laki bini kerja. Boleh la nak antar anak2 tusen begitu begini. Kalau laki aku kaya pun, aku rasa aku kena jugak kerja, sebab aku memang tak suka memintak. Kadang2 tu terasa jugak bila orang cakap yang I am actually chanelling this taking of advantage of me. Maksud aku, aura aku memang mengalakkan orang take advantage. Some ask me to change and be more assertive... well, aku kadang tu berpendapat that beggars can't be choosers. And until such time when I can choose, then I guess, I have to take care of my periuk nasi the best way I know how..
Semenjak dua menjak kami gaji tak ikut timing yang betul, boss aku berbesar hati untuk tidak mempenalize kami sekiranya kami tidak datang ke pejabat. Aku cakap tak datang pejabat eh.. kita orang memang jarang bekerja pun. Sebab masing2 menghabiskan masa mengumpat dan mengisi borang kerja tempat lain.
Infact, kita orang amek rotational leave pun. Seminggu aku kerja, seminggu dia kerja, pas tu aku balik.. dan seterusnya. So, actually during cuti sekolah ari tu, aku banyak cuti dan menghabiskan masa dirumah. Memang best! Anak2 aku pun dah macam happy mama dia orang kat umah selalu. Maybe off and on aku pergi la kerja kalau kena panggil masuk. Then, ada seminggu tu, boss aku pegi training, aku bawak anak2 aku datang office. Lenjan computer kat office. Memang dia orang happy giler lah. So much so, that dia orang cam confuse. Aku ni bekerja lagi ke tidak?
Then sekarang ni since dah start tahun baru, aku pun ada la azam baru untuk datang ke pejabat dan beribadah. Tapi of course la mood aku masih cam silakak kan? Yerlah, banyak sangat benda kat office ni. Tapi aku malas nak citer sekarang.. sebab nanti kalau aku citer korang kata makcik ni tiap2 tahun sama je.. komplen, komplen, komplen. Tak habis2 komplen. So.. never mind. Suffice to say, aku memang tak de mood nak ke pejabat.
Yang bestnya aku ni, bila tak de mood, aku pun mula la pakai pakaian yang boleh dikatakan kurang seswai dengan suasana pejabat. Iaitu sandals, slacks itam, tudung malas (ala tudung yang ala2 sarung tu je dan selalunya warna itam jugak) and baju tu tengok la.. selalunya blouse ala2 t-shirt.
Last Friday lagi hampeh. Aku pakai seluar yoga, tshirt berkolar warna kuning neon, dan sandals crocs aku. Along tanya.. "Ma pergi kerja tak ni?" Of course la aku jawab yang aku pergi kerja. Kata Along.. "Kenapa baju Mama FUNKY sangat?". Funky tu bukan la baju tu macam nak pegi berdansa kat club ala2 Play That Funky Music White Boy.. (sure korang tak tau lagu ni kan.. hahaha). Funky ni maksudnya pelik. Aku diam je.
Pagi ni dia tanya lagi.. Ma ni pergi ketidak kerja. Pergilah.. Along jawab apa tau? Ma ni pakai baju macam nak pergi Maju-Maju je.. (Maju-Maju ni adalah sebuah kedai mamak yang fames kat tempat aku). Aku jawab la kat Along, Ma sebenarnya takde mood nak pergi kerja.. Owwwhh.. kalau Ma tak de mood, mak amek je la baju hapa2 eh? Yes.. betul la tu.
Tapi, at the same time, aku pun cam malu jugak. Nak la jugak kena look the part and be a good influence kat anak2 aku kan? So, sementelah itu, aku nak wat azam tahun baru; aku akan pakai baju yang senonoh ke tempat kerja dan aku juga akan pakai semua baju baru yang aku ada dan dah beli dekat 3 - 4 tahun lepas, tapi aku simpan lam peti sebab sayang nak pakai.
Yer kawan2. Aku memang ada penyakit tersebut. Aku akan beli baju yang aku suka. Pas tu aku pakai sekali untuk pecah tanah. Then, kalau baju tu betul2 aku sayang dan suka, aku akan gantung lam plastik kat tempat gantung baju tu. Aku kira semalam, aku ada 6 baju yang boleh dimasukkan dalam kategori tersebut. Ada sepasang baju kurung tu, langsung tak pernah keluar melihat dunia. Hehehe.. So, aku akan simpan baju oren yang ala2 nak pegi Maju-maju ni untuk pergi ke Maju-maju. Dan akan memakai pakaian yang senonoh untuk ke kantoor.
No no no, aku bukan baru bangun dari koma atau baru sedar dari lamunan. Cuma baru ni aku boleh berfikir serba sedikit tentang tahun baru ni.
Dah nak masuk 3 minggu dah sekolah, aku masih tak settle dengan betulnya lagi anak2 aku. Aku pun tak paham apasal la schedule skolah begitu pening sekali.
Firstly, Along tidak lah begitu berjaya in her PMR. Well, nak wat cam ner. Dia tak la dapat 8A, atau 7A.. cuma alhamdulillah dia tak fail je. Another reason why aku rasa cam inferior ngan kawan2 aku yang anak2 nya sumer major achiever. Mak nya achiever, Anak pun achiever.. I must be doing something wrong. Puas dah aku mengupas akan ketidakjayaan anak aku.. Sampai satu hari tu kami gaduh mulut pasal prestasi skolah dia. Dia cakap, 'Ma marah Along bukan sebab apa, sebab Ma malu dengan kawan2 Ma'. Which is quite true.. but not for the reason you think. Aku malu dengan kawan2 aku for not being a better mother. I know, I know.. aku ni giler glamer. It's all about me.. but yes. Aku bukan kata dia tak pandai. Aku rasa aku yang salah tak bagi enough time for her. Well, anyway, past is past, and dia sekarang dah masuk kelas vocational catering, which she seems to enjoy. Dia dah plan nak masuk Hospitality Management for her degree, and walaupun aku cam tak minat yang dia buat tu, as long as she is happy and motivated to learn, I should be grateful, yeah?
Well, back to my never ending conundrum called life.. Tahun ni, I have 1 child in the afternoon school, a primary school child in the morning, and Along in the morning as well. Their time table.. V A V A V O O M M ! !
Mon
Tue
Wed
Thu
Fri
Along
Pergi
7:30
7:30
7:30
7:30
7:30
Balik
4:00
2:20
4:00
4:00
12:35
Koko
4-6
Sukan
4-6
Abang
Pergi
12:30
12:30
1:15
1:15
2:30
Balik
6:50
6:50
6:50
6:50
6:50
Koko
8-10
8-10
Sukan
7:30-9
Adek
Pergi
7:30
7:30
7:30
7:30
7:30
Balik
1:00
2:00
2:00
1:00
12:00
Koko
4-6
So korang fikir la.. Cam ner aku tak pening. Time2 yang regular tu OK la. Boleh la Auntie nya datang amek. Tapi time2 yang pelik2 tu? Sapa nak amek. Sapa nak antar. Koko dia orang? Sure dah tak boleh nak cater dah.
Masa mula2 tu, aku rasa cam nak berenti kerja jaga budak2 ni pergi balik. Borak ngan member, dia orang kata, time koko tu biar je lah bebudak tu stay back. Ramai kengkawan buat cam tu. Aku jawab balik aku tak nak sebab:
Aku tak cayer anak2 aku akan duduk dendiam kat dalam skolah. Mesti ada yang nak merayau pegi CC ke, pegi kedai2 kat depan tu ke. Yang operator CC tu pulak.. apa lah ko pegi bukak depan skolah. Tak de tempat lain ke nak bukak CC? Siot betul
Aku kesian kat anak2 aku duduk kat skolah, tak de tempat lepak
Dan ROOT CAUSE nya yang aku tak bagi dia orang stay back - AKU TERLALU MANJAKAN ANAK2. Hehehe.. yup.. aku la ibu yang sangat memanjakan anak2nya.. dan juga sangat mengcontrol anak2nya..
Tahun ni aku kena mencuba untuk melepaskan dia orang sikit2 la.. Kalau tidak, sampai bila2 pun dia orang tak berdikari kan?
Yeah.. easier said than done..
Endnote:
Aku ingin mengucapkan takziah pada Zulm kerana anak2nya telah kehilangan ibu mereka. Tulah, aku ni jarang2 sangat masuk.. baru tau malam tadi. Aku pun nak kena mintak maaf kat Zulm sebab aku pada mulanya ada sedikit rasa gembira bila terbaca berita tu.. Korang jangan salah paham dah lah..
Sometimes, I think that I AM my worse enemy. I think to little of my abilities and my self worth that I start to assume too many things.
Like for instance when the 'grrrls' (that's what we call ourselves. Ourselves being 200 fourty-four year old ladies who used to go to school together) go out and meet and neglect to invite me, I will get all 'huffy' about it. To no one in particular mind you. No one will layan me if I do that. I don't think it's intentional. They probably didn't invite me because they thought that I have things to do. Office work to worry about. Owh, and yeah.. I don't get my salary on time for me to have much to spend on brunches, lunches, and teas.
And kadang2 when they do invite me, I feel so 'kolot' compared to them, that I have to think twice, thrice and maybe quadruple times before I actually go. Not that I don't love them. I do! Love them with all my heart, as I am sure they too. But, I feel like such a loser sometimes when I am in their company. Big cars. Big houses. Big posts in Big companies. Latest gadgets. Latest Handbags. Overseas vacations. You know, all the things that make a person. In the public eyes at least.
Yer, yer, aku tau. Tak baik dengki. Itu sumer rezeki dari Allah. Yer, aku tau sumer tu. Tapi disebabkan aku ni pun manusia.. Ada jugak rasa iri dalam hati tu.
Tapi tulah. Dalam FB tu, dia orang letak gambar bila dia orang bersama2 bersekongkol. Atau make reference to an outing that I don't know about. Ishhh.. hati pempuan yang hampir nak menopos ni terasa jugak tau!
Tak pe lah.. aku pendam2 kan aje perasaan iri aku tu. Simpan lam peti and buang jauh2 (metaphorically la. Tak kan aku nak amek perasaan tu betul and sumbat lam peti.. ish!). Ni, 30hb ni ada lagi satu gathering.. Gathering je kerja skarang ni. Aku cakap aku nak pergi. Kalau aku rasa macam kerdil, dan aku tak pegi, korang ingat Mrs. Doubtfire kecik ati tak?
Dang... dekat 3 minggu aku tak mengupdate. Nampaknya memang betul berantu la si FB tu. Dia tarek aku sampai aku tak dan nak mengupdate kat sini. Hehehe.. blame it on the FB and not on my own kemalasan.
A friend told me that most of the people yang ada blog ni are missing something in their lives. Ada yang tak cukup. Tak cukup kasih. Tak cukup sayang. Tak cukup attention. Tak cukup.. yerlah.. u get the idea. Dia kata dulu aku tiap2 hari without fail will write something in here. Sometimes, dua tiga kali pun. Tapi sekarang ni dah nak masuk 3 minggu pun aku tak rasa ngelenyar sikit pun. Well.. I don't know if what my friend says is true. I do have things to say. It's just that sometimes, I just don't see the point in ranting and raving. Most of the time, it's about my sucky work, my sucky life, my sucky work.. owh.. I already said that. But when I come to think of it.. it's not so sucky. It's sucky only because it's not what I think it should be.
I want to be highlypaid, doing an easy job, going home early, cuti as and when I like.. but at the same time feed my need to excel.. Hah! Mana nak dapat kerja cam tu kan?
And come to think of it.. I'm almost there already with the job, apart from the intermittent pay. Bayaran gaji sekali sekala tu yang tak tahan. Lain dari tu.. aku rasa.. aku dah OK dah.
So.. apa yang sucky? Cam tak de kan?
My life? Hmm.. sure I don't live in a bungalow.. let alone a house of my own. Yes. Setelah hidup di dunia selama 43 tahun dan bekerja selama hampir 20 tahun, aku masih tidak mempunyai rumah sendiri walhal ada kawan2 yang dah masuk rumah ke-2, ke-3.. tak tau la kalau ada yang ke-4. But.. husband can still afford to put a rented roof over our heads. Kids can still eat. Yeah.. we can still go to movies. We can still have McD or Pizza at least twice a month. Elok jugak tak kerap dapat gaji. Tak payah bawak dia orang selalu.
Sure, our holidays are mostly day trips to somewhere near. We have never had to soil a page of passports to go on holiday. Unlike my friends yang passport dah macam lunyai sebab kalau holiday mesti berjalan2 keluar negara. But, we usually go as a family of 5. Adalah kadang2 laki aku wat hal tak nak ikut.. Tapi usuallynya.. ber-5. So.. tak la sucky sangat kan?
I must and I SHOULD count my blessings.
Everytime I pray it is always to ask for murahkan rezeki. I think, I have been blessed with that. But not in the form I think it should be.. MONEY. But in the form of friends that I can always count on. When my fridge broke down last year, the girls collected money and bought me a new one. When husband was in hospital and we had to pay for the bill so close to raya.. I got raya money and cakes and cookies and macam2 lagi from friends that we had cookies left over to give to other needy people.
Yeah.. I totally believe that my rezeki is the friends that Allah has given me.
And all of you are part of my rezeki in this world. For that I want to thank all of you for making my life a better place. For listening to what I have to rant. For supporting me even when I make stupid remarks. For being there, even when I'm not totally there myself..
I sincerely wish you a happy new year, both the muslim as well as the orang puteh one. May the new year bring you all the happiness you deserve. May the rain that fall in your lives be few and far in between. May you be showered only with luck and love and no more tears than you can handle.
To all.. a Happy New Year!
Time For Miracles - Adam Lambert
Its late at night and I cant sleep Missing you just runs too deep Oh I cant be thinking of your smile Every kiss you cant forget This aching heart aint broken yet Oh God I wish I could make you see Cause I know this flame isnt dying So nothing can stop me from trying
Baby you know that Maybe its time for miracles Cause I aint giving up on love You know that Maybe its time for miracles Cause I aint giving up on love No I aint giving up on us
I just want to be with you Cuz living is so hard to do When all I know is trapped inside your eyes The future I cannot forget This aching heart aint broken yet Oh God I wish I could make you see Cuz I know this flame isnt dying So nothing can stop me from trying
Baby you know that Maybe its time for miracles Cuz I aint giving up on love You know that Maybe its time for miracles Cause I aint giving up on love No I aint giving up on us Baby can you feel it(feel it) You know I can hear it(hear it) So can you feel it feel it. You know its time. Baby you know that Maybe its time for miracles Cuz I aint giving up on love You know that Maybe its time for miracles Cuz I aint giving up on love You know I aint giving up on us You know I aint giving up on Oh I aint giving up on us
Masih lagi feeling2 tension dan sedih semalam. Masih lagi berfikir kenapa aku tak pat kerja2 yang best. Balik2 kerja yang B to the O the R to I-N-G!
Then nak nyedapkan ati, aku pikir la jugak. Kalau kerja sini, masalahnya gaji dan boss yang slalu hangen. Tapi lain2 hal yang penting pada aku masih OK. Seumpamanya, nak cuti senang, kerja tak berat, leh balik awal dari tempat2 lain, kurang stress, kawan2 best cam adek beradek, jauh sikit dari rumah tapi parking murah, kat bawah ni ada K-Jam, banyak allowance, dan seterusnya. Lagipun aku dah tak de bibik kat umah yang nak jaga bebudak kalau aku lewat. So, kira OK la kan?
Nak sedapkan ati..
Beautiful - EMINEM
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump If I could just get over this hump But I need something to pull me out this dump I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up But I need that spark to get psyched back up In order for me to pick the mic back up I don't know how I pry away And I ended up in this position I'm in I starting to feel distant again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet I know some shits so hard to swallow And I just can't sit back and wallow In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow I'll be one tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow But you have to walk a thousand miles
[Chorus:] In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes Just to see what it'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful Oh they can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything is so tense and gloom I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact 'cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention I just want to be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need no fucking man servant Trying to follow me around, and wipe my ass Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of them ain't even funny like Ah Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes And you don't have to walk no thousand miles
[Chorus]
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so
Nobody asked for life to deal us With these bullshit hands we're dealt We have to take these cards ourselves And flip them, don't expect no help Now I could have either just Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned But take this situation in which I'm placed in And get up and get my own I was never the type of kid To wait by the door and pack his bags Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed For a dad to show up who never did I just wanted to fit in Every single place Every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid Even if it meant acting stupid Aunt Edna always told me Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't trying to impress my friends no more But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description 'cause where you see it from where you're sitting Is probably 110% different I guess we would have to walk a mile In each other's shoes, at least What size you where? I wear tens Let's see if you can fit your feet
[Chorus]
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone... so Are you calling me, are you trying to get through oh Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you so oh oh
Yea... To my babies. Stay strong. Daddy will be home soon And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes That fit you, so put em on and wear em And be yourself man, be proud of who you are Even if it sounds corny, Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful
Sometimes I feel like such a loser.. Dah banyak application letters sent out. From the applications dapat a few interviews. But so far none have been fruitful.
Rasanya cam dah OK dah masa interview tu.
Rasanya cam dah OK dah masa buat assessment tu.
Tapi when crunch time comes.. I am not successful.
Well maybe, belum lagi.
Focusing on the good sometimes help.. tapi hari ni.. only chocolate ice cream and sleep will work..Got my choco ice cream. Sleep belum lagi. It's 8:13pm and still at the office, meeting with the CEO yang tak habis2 lagi.. Otak aku dah sakit.. Mata aku pun dah sakit..
Dah lama aku tak tag entry aku 'rantings'. Selalunya 'off the cuff' aje. Rantings kat sini bermaksud.. membebel dan meroyan tak tentu pasal.. bukan dahan2 pokok yang kecik2 tu.. So,ni aku nak membebel ni.. dengar eh?
Pagi tadi, seperti biasa, laki aku, aku, dan anak dara kecik aku mendengar Fly.FM sesambil on the way kerja. Huh? Naper anak dara kecik aku ada sama? Dia dah tak tahan duduk rumah asyik kena bully aje ngan kakak and abang dia. Datang office mama lagi best. Walaupun tak bleh tido, boleh main computer sesuka ati dia, dan mama layan bawak pegi OTK beli cokelat, beli yoghurt dan lain-lain jajan yang dia nak. Anyway, pagi tadi, one of the topics on Fly.FM was the issue of orang yang JAUH lebih tua ber'kawan' dengan orang yang muda. Dia orang tak define kan perkataan 'kawan' tu. And terpulangla kepada kita cam ner kita nak define kan. Kawan 'mainan'. Kawan 'luahan rasa hati'. Kawan kawan. Kawan apa2 la.. Topic ni berkitar dari sebuah panggilan dari seorang datin yang berumur lebih dari 50an yang mengatakan dia lebih suka berkawan dengan lelaki yang umur nya dalam lingkungan 25 ke 28. Apabila silelaki tersebut menunjukkan gara2 nak matured.. Dia akan cakap BABAI kepada lelaki tersebut, and move on to younger pastures.
Well, si Nadia ni pun meroyan la. Kata bahawa we should all just stick with people our own ages. Kenapa nak kawan ngan orang yang lebih tua. And that people in their late 20s are at the prime of their age, and should be around people at their age, so that they can enjoy life. Dia jugak cakap, people at the age of 50 and above have had their share of life, have lived their lives, so they should just focus on other things. Kira kubur kata mari.. maka sila2lah sedar akan kelalaian korang tu.
Haaa.. mesti lah aku marah kan? Bukan la nak kata aku ni makcik tua tak sedar diri yang kemaruk nak ber'kawan' ngan anak ikan walhal laki and anak2 ada kat rumah. Tidak. Bukan itu sama sekali. Yang aku marah tu, cara dia cakap.. by the age of 50 you should have lived your life already.
Eh, Hello! Apa ko ingat kalau umur aku 50 aku tak boleh nak enjoy2? Kalau umur aku 50 aku tak bleh nak bercinta? Kalau umur aku 50 aku tak bleh panjat kinabalu, atau everest? U get the idea. So, terdorong dek hangen aku, aku sms la pendapat aku kat dia. Hehehe.. mangkuk punya Nadia. Boleh ke dia baca nama aku sepenuh2nya.. siap ngan binti2 aku lagi. Basically, aku cakap yang dia selfish dan old-fashioned. And true to her character, dia memang tak suka orang yang go against her, so dia terlepas cakap nama aku on national radio. Memang la lagi hangen aku sebab laki aku AND anak aku pandang aku cam aku orang giler. Dem! Itu sebenarnya yang mak/bini aku sms beriyer2 tadi..
And true to Nadia's character, dia belit2 balik dia punya statement to say, that kalau nak bercinta, bercintalah ngan orang yang sebaya. Old fashioned ke tak old fashioned.
True there will be difficulties kalau kita bercinta/berkahwin ngan orang yang jarak umur nya jauh dari kita. But who are we to say whether it is wrong or it is right. And yes, maybe we should try to live our age, if only for society's sake. But, please don't try to insinuate that my life is over once I hit 50.. for all you know, it would have only just begun.
Hehehe.. yeah.. Makcik ada balik. cam biskut kan? Alaa.. tempat jatuh lagi kan dikenang.. ini kan pula tempat meroyan. You know I love you guys kan? Tapi aku tak tau la pulak kalau u guys love me as much as I love you.. hehehe.. yeah yeah yeah.. biasa la..aku kan memang suka mintak belas kasihan dan simpati kaum sejagat? Kalau tak aku yang buat drama.. sapa lagi kan?
Sebelum aku lebih galak merapu.. ingin ku ucapkan SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL ADHA.. sorry tak sempat nak ngucapkan sebelum the actual dah, bukan apa, sebuk dangat menternak dan menanam. I swear.. dia punya ketagih sama cam ketagih aku menulis dulu. Tapi semenjak dua menjak ni, aku dah macam tak de mood nak nulis. Kalau kan gambar dah penuh dalam phone aku. Tiap kali nampak benda2 yang pelik dan menarik, mesti aku petik. Bukan apa.. teringat nak share ngan kengkawan. Tapi bila masuk je office.. terus penyakit aku datang balik. Penyakit M A L A S.
Update terkini; kita orang sekarang kerja ikut rotation. Seminggu aku kerja, seminggu anak buah aku kerja. Konon2nya nak save duit. Tapi.. aku jek yang ikut rotation. Anak2 buah aku ikut suka ati mak ayah dia orang. Nak marah? Tak sampai ati. Nanti dia ungkit gaji 3 bulan tak bayar, aku nak jawab apa kan? So the best I can do is to show a good example and hopefully dia orang sedar.. Rigggggghhhtt.
Tak lama lagi Disember nak sampai. And Disember means the coming of MY month. Told the kids, that since my birthday falls on the first of the month, hence the celebration has to last the whole month la. Cam orang yang birthday dia 15hb, dapat la birthday untuk 2 minggu je. And in anticipation of that day.. semalam, my 2nd sister, Angah, hosted a MAKAN BUSAT at her house for the first time. Yeah.. there was much drama about the makan busat. Which I may or may not go into one day.. but for now.. I won't.
Bersama dengan Hari Raya Haji and my early birthday celebration, and the birthday of my late father and a good friend.. yesterday was DA BOMB!
And with the arrival of December so arrives the celebration of the birth of several of my eKawan friends. So, Happy Birthday Aida-ARK, Nita73, Inche Sharul, Emil, Ilya, Nieb, Adan dan everyone else yang akan menyambut birthday... I wish all of you the best and happiness in this life and thereafter.
P/s: Tried to upload gambar.. tapi cam silakak connection ni.. So, nenanti la eh..
Ada sorang pempuan tadi cakap kat aku.. kenapa aku tak suka bercakap. Dia kata aku terlalu diam, duduk kat belakang dan buat kerja senyap2. Dia suruh aku lebih bersuara. Lebih membentak bila cakap. Make sure I get my point across. Aku kata tak koser nak buat issue ttg sumer benda.. dia cakap.. Ehhhhhh MANA BOLEH!!! Kita kena cakap ngan orang tu kita pun ada point..
Kat luar aku senyum.
Kat lam atie, aku kata.. suka ati ko ler.. U need to get your point across, not me..
Don't get me wrong, I love the rain. I really do. I love it that I don't have to sweat myself silly at night. I love it that I can feel cool even in an unair-conditioned house. I love it that I can sleep while hearing the raindrops on the neighbors awning.
But what I don't particularly relish about it is that the weather is very sombre. The clothes though dry, have a certain smell on them, regardless of how many times I was it. I also get very melancholic about everything that happens and doesn't happen to me.
So in the mood of all this sombreness, and dark, dark days I came home today from Yoga with the girls, feeling like a total loser..
Yes people, divas are human too..
Don't Let Me Get Me - Pink
Never win first place, I don't support the team I can't take direction, and my socks are never clean Teachers dated me, my parents hated me I was always in a fight cuz I can't do nothin' right
Everyday I fight a war against the mirror I can't take the person starin' back at me I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else, yeah
LA told me, "You'll be a pop star, All you have to change is everything you are." Tired of being compared to damn Britney Spears She's so pretty, that just ain't me
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin A day in the life of someone else? Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
Doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe somethin A day in the life of someone else? Don't let me get me
Don't let me get me I'm my own worst enemy Its bad when you annoy yourself So irritating Don't wanna be my friend no more I wanna be somebody else
Hehehe.. yer adek2, kakak2, abang2.. bapak2.. dan lain2.. aku dalam meeting. Tapi kenapa aku boleh bersawan serta ber-Fesbuk? Kerana meeting kat tempat ni.. itu lah dia. Membebel. Menjerit. Tunjuk terror. Dan lain2. Benda2 yang nak kena minit tak banyak sangat.
Kenapa aku yang amek minit? Sebab aku memang terror amek minit. Aku amek minit without prejudice, sehingga boss aku suka suki kena adjust untuk menepati citarasa boss2 kat sini. Hehehe.. aku memang kalau jadik court transcriber memang tip top. What I miss on paper, I won't miss in my head. Betul! Memang itu kelebihan aku. Tapi itu buat sementara ni la. Sebelum aku nyanyok kan?
Ni tengok ni.. aku sempat menaip sepanjang2 mungkin. Dia orang tak habis2 lagi merapu ni.. Merapu, merapu, dan merapu.
Ni pegi beli kueh pulak..
Ish.. smalam.. masa aku balik anak lelaki aku cakap dia nak bagi aku satu lagu. Dia rajin dedicate lagu kat mak dia ni skarang. Dia kata, kawan dia ada lagu ni.. and bila dia dengar.. dia teringat kat aku. Cute kan? Lagu dia yang ni..
The First Cut Is The Deepest - Sheryl Crow
I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart and she's taking almost all that I've got but if you want, I'll try to love again baby I'll try to love again but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest 'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest
I still want you by my side just to help me dry the tears that I've cried cause I'm sure gonna give you a try and if you want, I'll try to love again but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest
'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know
The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest
Aku rasalah kan.. rumah selang sebuah rumah aku ni, dah jadik gambling den. Seriyes.
Aku kuar sidai baju kul 8 dengar orang main mahjong. AKu kuar sidai baju kul 11 dengar orang main mahjong. Aku pegi dapur kul 12, dengar orang main mahjong. Aku terjaga dari tido kul 2 pagi, dengar orang main mahjong. Bangun kul 3 jengok kat luar kalau laki dah balik dengar orang main mahjong. Bangun kul 5 pun dengar orang main mahjong.
Kereta silih berganti kat umah tu.. so.. aku rasa memang betul la rumah tu dah jadik kancah perjudian..
Soalan cepumas aku.. Dia orang tak kerja ke? Aku yang cukup tido ni pun kadang2 terlayang masa kerja.. Owh well.. suka ati dia orang la kan?
Sepanjang weekend ni pinggang, punggung, dan belakang peha kaki kanan aku sakit sampai nak nangis. Ntah muscle apa yang aku tarek masa drive hari Jumaat rituh entah la.. Tido pun pakai pain killer. Kalaukan Muscle Relaxant tu dah berkati2 aku makan.. Urut pun sudah.. Suruh MC kot.. :)
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
Remember all the things we wanted Now all our memories they're haunted We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high It never would've worked out right We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter Where we take this road someone's gotta go And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder But I know that you'll find another That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in Perfect couldn't keep this love alive You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter Where we take this road someone's gotta go And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong I'm already gone, already gone There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Remember all the things we wanted Now all our memories they're haunted We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter Where we take this road someone's gotta go And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong I'm already gone, already gone There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Salam semua.. sumer OK2 je kan? Kalau ada yang tensen ke yang tengah nak meroyan ke.. Dah stop kejap.. rehat. Buka fesbuk.. main game. Sure OK la.. Buat cam aku.. day in day out.. facebook je kerja aku. Sah lah sesuai lambat dapat gaji. Asyik ngelat je kan?
Tapi bukan pasal gaji yang ingin aku ceritakan. Itu dah tak jadi cerita, sebab dah biasa.
Ni topic kat FLY.FM pagi tadi. Ada lah satu survey yang dia orang buat kat negara mana tah.. tapi Survey tu tentang lelaki and kecurangan nya. So, ladies were asked, "What is the ultimate punishment for men who cheat?"
Baru masuk kereta dah dapat SMS dari Mrs. Doubtfire. Dia tanya kat aku.. what would be the ultimate punishment. My answer to her was that it depends on the degree of cheating. Kalau the cheating was actually to sleep around then I think the ultimate punishment would not be what I could do to the man. But what would happen to him. The ultimate punishment for a player would be if he could no longer play. And that he would not be able to get it up when he was with tOW. Korang imagine.. after months and months of pursuing, membodek dan menghabiskan duit kat awek tu, bila awek tu kata.. OK Bang, ini malam.. ko pulak tak boleh perform. Pas tu awek tu gelak ngekek2 sampai terguling2.. Huh.. lagi pedas kalau dia siap amek gambar and MMS kat kengkawan dia.. Then the senario repeats itself dengan the next awek yang dia usha.. Itu baru punishment! Baru padan muka ko! Kan? Baru la jaguh kan?
Pas tu seperti biasa.. FLY.FM akan suruh callers call in and give their version of punishment. Ada lah sorang dua minah2 yang so the very innocent and naive. Sorang tu kata.. dia akan reverse psychology mamat tu. And show to him all the memories that they have had together. Dan akan showcase kan kebaikan dia. Dan akan suruh mamat tu fikir semula, siapa yang lebih sayangkan dia. Puh leaze la! Aku ngan Mrs. Doubtfire cam nak termuntah dengar explanation dia. Tapi tidak la semuak bila dengar sorang minah ni cakap dia akan rationalize dengan mamat ni.. and cakap baik2. Aku cakap kat Mrs. Doubtfire.. Ni semua orang yang tak de experience bercakap. Let me see you be rationale kalau anak ko tiga2 orang yang kecik2 sumer tengah demam and muntah belilah tapi ko tak de kereta nak antar dia orang ke klinik, sebab laki ko dah guna itu kereta nak pegi dating ngan orang lain..
Kalau ko masih lagi boleh ber-honey2 dan ber-ayang2.. wa tabik sama lu!
So, Syawal is finally over and the open house invitations have finally stopped. At least for a month or so, then you'll start getting invitations for weddings and engagements. Actually, those celebratory invitations have started. At least 3 people from the office got married last weekend. I didn't go to anyone of them. Didn't know them well enough. Plus the trip would probably kill me, financially.
I however did go to 2 open houses and managed to not go to another one. I also managed to finally attend a yoga session conducted by a friend. Other people felt pain the day after, I was in pain even as I tried to go down the stairs! I AM NOT FIT at all! But it was a good session and I reiterated what I already knew, I have good upper body strength, but really poor balancing ability. But maybe that's because of copious extra weight I am carrying. I am hoping I can make more of the sessions.. But what ever I lost in the form of sweat, I more than made up for it when I went to the two open houses. Among the things that was served; rendang, nasi himpit, mihun sup tulang, bergedil, ketupat palas, kuah kacang, pengat pisang, karipap disamping kueh2 dan kek2 dan buah2 - Ini baru sebuah rumah. Lagi sebuah rumah; Sate, Nasi Himpit, Kuah Kacang, Lodeh, Rendang, CKT on the spot,Cendul, Kueh Cara, Kueh Sri Muka, kueh raya - siap bagi tapau lagi! PErgghh!.. Memang kenyang.
Then semalam, ikut ipar2 aku.. pergi bersantai di tepi pantai. Dia orang buat berkelah dan berkemah kat Bagan Lallang. Seronok? Memang la seronok. Tak wat apa2. Golek2. Makan. Mandi2. Makan. Golek2 lagi. Makan. Ngumpat2. Makan. U get the idea.
Oleh kerana keghairahan aku berjalan sampai tak hengat tugas2an kat rumah. Maka.. baju2 aku bertimbun cam tak hengat dunia jugak la kan? I have actually 4 load yang perlu dilipat dan di gosok. Maka dengan itu, aku decided to finish them at home today.
Ni sikit je aku amek ni.. actually yang dah masuk bakul yang dah separa lipat ada lagi.
So.. anyway, I think I deserved a little break. Neskepe Si and a bowl of pasta. And I'm taking a break. Not like this person yang jaga Samsung Phone Booth kat Carrefour Subang tho. He's taking a break.. but of a different kind.
Happy Monday, people.. And please.. before you put up a public sign.. check the spelling OK?
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Tuesday, February 23, 2010
